I go through phases when I do not understand the loneliness I feel. I do not
This week I am jealous of people and all of their things they are doing. Amazing things. While I sit here at this computer with the less than 100 people who may (or may not) be reading this wondering if my words matter to anyone. I have a friend traveling for a new opportunity that I think is going to steal her away from me, probably for good. I have an associate who just picks up and goes- whenever she wants, because her life is like that- financially stable and able to go at a moments notice. I have a friend with an amazing career- loves what she does, and isn't afraid of doing it. I have a member of my family that lives super close by- and I never see her because she is always already doing something cool.
I work in a retail store, I process freight, I smile and sell things to people they do not need. I show up, get my small paycheck, come home. I do not usually give that place a second thought when I am home. I went to college. I got my degrees. I have an Associates in Horticulture and a Bachelors in Soil, Plant, Environmental Science. And a whopping student loan debt that is only going to go away when I die. I love being at home. I love taking care of my family. I love writing. I love my chickens.
It is so easy for us to compare our sometimes humble existences to those of people we think are far more worthy for what they are doing. I've not been blessed with some things because God knows I can't handle it. I have been blessed with children, grandchildren, the ability to write, the ability to communicate. I have been blessed with tenacity. Tenacity sometimes gets me through the days when I miss my friend, days when I wish my hubs could stay home, and days when the church people are being judgemental. (Yep I went there)
Some days, like today, I have to choose to be sane. I have to choose to not cry. I have to make a to do list to make sure I eat lunch and drink water and walk the dogs. I have to occupy myself with prayer, perseverance, and most of all prayer. :) I have to make an extra pot of coffee and find the potato chips because their crunch makes me smile. I read in Proverbs about the woman and remind myself of my goals...then I flip over to the woman at the well because I identify with her struggle with self esteem better.
When the going gets tough, the tough get coffee. And pray for the words to type, that they are humble, true and encouraging, even if they only say- hey - you are not alone. I am insanely wigged out some days too, and it's OK, because only Jesus was perfect.