Will I ever be enough?
This is a question I ask myself a lot. I sometimes don't feel like I am enough to my family, friends , church. The realization that I have time on my hands is alarming to me. I actually told my husband this week that I was bored when he called at lunch. It has given me time to reflect on my relationships with many people and sometimes I feel like I am not enough for them.
It helps that people sometimes make you feel that way. Either their issues are too large for me or they aren't willing to help themselves, so what can I do really?
When I have a moment that I feel like I am not enough, I reevaluate why I am feeling that way. Was it something they said? Actions someone took? A lie someone told? An un appreciative friend or family member? Maybe it stems from someone's actions being different than their words. Maybe the real reason I feel I am not enough is because I am not ever going to be enough for some.
When I feel inadequate it is quite possibly because I am. I am only human after all. I will surely disappoint. I make mistakes, I sin. I don't set out every morning to be inadequate for anyone, but let's face it, even the best therapist can't help people who do not want to be helped. Even the 24 hour prayer won't lift the spirit of a person who doesn't want to be lifted. I can't overcome the feeling of anxiety that overwhelms a friend or family member when their focus is on them selves and not on the Father.
It is hard to feel like things are not within your control, but I have learned this lesson the hard way. I have worried myself to death about my adult children, yet I don't make their choices . I have spent countless hours having the same conversations with friends, looking for answers in their marriages, finances, lonliness, heartaches...not finding a solution because people don't want to take action, they just want to talk about it.
The little bit of blessing that I bring by listening has to be enough, because it's what God allows me to do with my limited humaness. I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me, and I have to face that in some relationships I have been given a limit of ability.
When I woke up today, I was made to feel like I was unwanted, not enough. I prayed that I would find some resolution and look for something I can do, that I am adequate in, that I can run with. I prayed for healing in my heart and in my soul, that the burning hurt would subside and that I would be able to find peace in the midst of the storm of uncertainty brewing inside me .
I may not ever be enough for my children, husband, friends. But Jesus is turning me into enough for him, and his purpose, so I will have to find solace and comfort knowing the creator of the universe thinks highly enough of me to provide me with what I need, and the limit of who I need to be for others.