Saturday, October 19, 2013

Im not that girl anymore...WHEW

Ten years ago I came completely unhinged when people did stupid human things that humans do. I remember seeing someone cringe once when I came into the school to pick up my boys after they rolled off the bus in a fist-fight. 

In a fist -fight. 
With each other.

I was one really out of control momma. I am pretty sure that was my breaking point with myself.  Then came my breaking point with everything else. I am not sure what exactly happened, and I am sure I don't want to remember. I just know that I had met my limit with people, things and stuff in general. 

Then in one of my little cleaning rages ( I tend to do that when I get angry or frustrated), I found a note card with a scripture on it. "Be still" it said. "KNOW that I am GOD". I remember writing that on the card some years before when I was trying to be super-scripture girl-wanting to know the words, but truly never admitting that I didn't understand them at all.

Be still.
Be still.
Be still.

Those words haunted me for days, as I tried to "get back into a routine" with the cleaning, mothering and wife-ing , (is that a word?) . I just kept coming back to them. BE STILL screamed at me from every dirty sock, dirty dish and dirty floor. Never was our house in such great shape. CLEAN house, dirty soul. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating. I accidentally went four days without caffeine....and during that headache I let the everything that was inside me, holding me prisoner to myself, out.  I cried. I scrubbed. I cried. Then finally, I collapsed onto my bed and prayed.

Seriously, am I so dense that I had to collapse on my bed in hysterics to PRAY?! I really understood the straw that broke the camels back theory. and I never want to go there again. Growing hurts! I was very hurt. My heart ached for something that not even my husband could fill. My body hurt from all the scrubbing. My head hurt from over-thinking everything. 

Prayer hurt too. Something totally unexpected. And new- not in the warm fuzzy way. I was really quiet for a few weeks. Then I decided I liked me that way. Was the entire lesson for me to just shut up and listen for once? Because I really still don't know what I am listening for.
What I do know is this:
-God speaks in some loud ways, and some quiet ways.
-Prayer and meditation have changed me.
-I have everything I need, provided to me by the Father.
-I'm thankful I'm not that girl anymore.

Not being her doesn't mean perfection. And I have learned it doesn't mean other people have forgotten her. She is still very alive for some, and for some that is who I will always be. (That's quite unfortunate since I have changed so much and have so much more to offer than others may think.) I will not go into the many many things I have left behind with the girl I used to be. Lets just say I am very careful to continue on the path God has laid before me, using discernment, prayer, meditation, fellowship and compassion. Everything I make a decision about must be Biblically founded in this new journey of mine. How I discipline my children, love my husband and where my loyalty lies.  I worship a God who has undeniable power to change a life going nowhere good into something wonderful and inspiring to others. I worship a God who asks only that I love Him first and put everything about being human last. And when others aren't ok with that, it is OK. Because I am. 

From the perspective of someone who knows- If you have been judging someone from their past actions, behaviors or where they come from- remember- our God is   compassionate, forgiving and loving. People are human and able to change. I did. And those who see my change recognize that God has moved in me, as He moves in others. Be careful not to fall into the trap of judgement, assumptions and grudges. Its not a place to live. And forgiveness and redemption are meant to be for everyone. 

Praying for those unjustly accused and for their accusers- there are two sides to every story, and everyone should live as if they reside in a glass house. 

No comments:

Post a Comment