Friday, July 22, 2011


You should never ask of someone else what you are not willing to do yourself.

Can I get this tattooed on my arm so I have to read it everyday, please?

I am really really good at telling my friends to let things go. You have to be careful which battles you pick, you could start a major war and not be able to stop it. Well, now I have gone and done it, because of my lack of discipline, I have started that war- inside myself.

I am normally known in different circles as a confident, self assured woman, who loves her husband fiercely and would do most anything to help someone out. I am in college full time, I always also hold a full time job, and I am a full time mother and wife. I have my moments when I feel like Wonder Woman, and I have my moments when I feel stretched so thin I just cry all day.

Lately I have been horrible at letting things go. I allow my feelings to be hurt at every turn, over things that mostly do not matter to anyone else. But they matter to me. Doesn't that validate my feeling in any way?

For example,

I have been a member of the same church family for over 30 years. I got married there, have raised my children there. I worked harder than anyone understands to get my associates degree, and it took me 3 years. When I finally graduated, my husband and children wanted to throw me a party to celebrate my accomplishment- they have been here for the entire ride and understand everything I have been through to get here. Not one person from my church showed, or even sent a card. No phone calls, no encouragement, no nothing. My grandmother didn't come. Most of my friends did not come. Hardly any of my family was there. (honestly it seemed as though it was a huge imposition on those who were there) Was it because it was just my associates? Or something more? The longer I thought about it, the more crushed I became. Why am I not important ?

I beat myself up over this for weeks.(still doing it)

Then I got laid off right after graduation.
So I have time to think about all the little things I should just be letting go.

I have all of this time to worry and wonder. I am sure it is not healthy, but honestly it has been eye opening, having time to think about some stuff, when before I'd have forgotten all about it because I just didn't have the time.
Now I sit for hours and wonder why my friend cancelled our plans- again.
And why I feel so disconnected at church.
And why members of my family do not understand that when they call, all I want is for them to ask me how we are, not to hear how bad someone else has it, that really doesn't have it so bad at all.
I worry about my kids not being super social, about their lives being ruined because I cannot afford everything for them that is extra right now.
I worry about my husband and all of the pressure he feels, and that I put on him.
Some days I think I could pray all day, but I talk myself out of it because it seems like my words aren't going any further than my bedroom walls.

It sounds like I'm crazy, and maybe I am (a little). But mostly I feel like people do not know me anymore, don't respect me at all. I feel like I am easy to take advantage of, because I do things for people when they ask. I give more of myself away than I keep for me, and I do not get a lot in return.

I do not want to lose myself during this time of craziness. What am I supposed to do about all of these thoughts that I keep obsessing over?

I guess I have to follow my own advice and just let it go.

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