Monday, July 25, 2011

Another Day

Today is Monday- my personal longest day of the week...

It is hard for some people to get back in the swing of things after a weekend. My problem right now is everyone else gets to go back to work- and here I sit. I am bored out of my mind, overwhelmed with the lack of busyness.

Don't get me wrong- I have plenty to do- there is gardening, weeding, cleaning and laundry. I could read, write, study and take pictures of my favorite things. I could go for a walk, go to the barn and ride or just go get a Hershey Bar.

Some people do not understand how hard it is to be running a hundred miles a minute, with family, work, school and church- then having your life some to a very loud, screeching halt. Let me set it up for you like this-

For the last two years I have worked over 10 different jobs, some due to school requirements, some due to just needing a paycheck. I have been in school full time, ran a household full time and maintained my sanity most of the time. There have been a lot of weeks when I have worked/schooled 120 hours. It has been exausting to say the least. My family has changed, my children as individuals have changed, and my husband has handled a lot of it with very little help from me. Just letting me chase my dream of being educated , responsible and contributing...

Now I am unemployed, sitting here everday practically begging God to give me some meaningful task, something to hold onto. I get up in the morning, I do laundry, dishes, watch tv, feed animals, take care of kids. And freak out about not being able to sit still for two seconds to enjoy any of it.

I do not have enough $$, so I have gotten good at canceling the extras, downscaling the things we still have, and making due . We never have spent a lot of money, but we live comfortably. We have internet, sattellite and cell phones- for now. We have cars that require little care, and I can still buy groceries. HOWEVER- I have scaled our tv channels back to the lowest package, cut our cells to the cheapest package, and we only have that internet cause we are in a contract.

I realized this morning, that none of this is within my control. Something an old friend said to me rings true-
you just have to let God take care of it all. Money, time, school. what decisions you have to make. God has to be the pilot in your life.

So I am in big trouble, because its that letting go that scares me to death!How do I know what decisions God wants me to make? Do I stay in college, acquire that student loan, and put my house in financial jeopardy by going back and not working? My instinct is not very trustworthy these days, because it tells me different things each time I mull it over. So how do you know the difference between overcoming an obstacle, to obey Gods will, and flat out disobeying God by making a decision?
Thats what I think.

Tomorrow is Tuesday, and I will wake up and do it all over again.

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