Oh My Student loans......

Today I accessed my student loan documents online for the first time. 

Then I stood at the kitchen sink watching leaves blow in the wind , tears streaming down my face as I tried to figure out how on earth I am going to pay for the education that has landed me no job.
Its not like I didn't prayerfully go into my education- it was the most prayerful time in my life. I prayed for the debt, I prayed for the classes, the time and the impact it would have on my family. I swallowed the notion that my school would find me a job- hook,line and sinker. They found me a job- if I wanted to pack up my family and move to Iowa or Toledo. (neither of those options were working for me.)

So I stand in the window at the kitchen sink and let the tears fall quietly down my face. My husband never gets a break, Not ever. He works hard, continually, and the plan was for me to get my degree, and get a good job so he could take a day off now and then. Or ever. But so far, all I have had is a temporary part time job, where I spent more money on gas than I brought home, and even after hundreds of applications, I am still unemployed. 

If God is answering my prayer through my joblessness, fine. But I still do not understand. Why did I go to school in the first place? Why did I seek out a degree in such a cool field in an agricultural state, when I didn't even know if I would land on my feet? Am I not young enough? Am I not skilled enough? Am I applying for jobs that are not a fit? I want to scream, but instead I pour another cup of coffee and I pray. I pray that God will just reveal something.

I finally feel a calm and peace about me- enough to stop my tears from streaming, and enough to allow me to finish my to-do list for today.(as if that list is ever done)
I am not sure of what the future holds for this student loan debt and I. However- one promise I am sure of is that there is always enough God. I won't be alone with my debt, I won't  default on it, and I won't give up.

I know I am not the only person who is faced with this issue- and I also have the realization that "formal education" is not always necessary. In my case, some was, some wasn't. My associates is great- my bachelors I question everyday. I really need for some kind of reassurance, some kind of solid notion that I am going to be able to pay this debt and fulfill my obligation. Through my doubt I feel like I am wasting time worrying, because God always comes through.  But I am human, and so I worry. And I obsess. And I pray. And thus the cycle continues.

Praying for debt and employment issues today.

Feeling Overwhelmed?!

On Sunday, Lots of people told me how great my hair looks. I wore a ponytail for 309 days in a row, and I think most of them were just breathing a sigh of relief that I had a new look. Truthfully, I am overwhelmed and sometimes a big change makes me feel better. Plus, I wanted different hair for the second wedding in our family in 30 days....so I whacked it all off. 8 inches. Gone. No more ponytail-it isn't long enough.

Yes, I said second wedding within 30 days. Both of them for my children. My son and his beautiful fiance were married on September 21, and my daughter and her fiance are getting married this Saturday. 

Ask me about being overwhelmed.

In the middle of the daily chaos that makes up our family and our lives, I also got laid off, my husband lost 60 hours of work in a single month and  I am working on planning a women's retreat for our church with a group of women. 

I have always been really good at saying yes to people I care about. I know being a yes girl has landed me in a world of trouble with time-management and such, but it feels so good to do something for others. Until this week. 

The hair was a good sign, and my husband caught on right away. The first thing he said to me was " after all this is over, we need to plan a weekend get away trip for ourselves". No kidding. Then he complemented me on my haircut. 

I know feeling overwhelmed is something we all deal with at some point- self inflicted or thrown on us by someone else, it can be a huge issue in our relationships and in our daily routine. The first thing I do when I feel that icky feeling running up my spine  and into my head is to stop. I stop moving, thinking, even breathing. I stop and I pray. Anxiety is nothing to mess with, and there is nothing in the world that can bring down the house faster than an over-anxious momma stuck in a moment of uh-oh. I just say this simple prayer- "Father, I need you to lead. Lead my heart, my soul and my mind. I need you to calm my nerves, and give me clear thinking. Thank You Father. Amen".  Mostly this is a prayer that I say from the inside of my head, then I wait for the calm to happen- and it always happens. (And it is weird at first- actually made me a little angry that it was so easy for God to do it, but so hard for me to ask).   

Oh but once I ask- things seem clearer, and to happen in the way they should. And typically when momma stops moving, breathing and thinking, people notice and it gets pretty quiet. Mostly issues resolve themselves, or disappear altogether. God does work in mysterious ways, and this one really baffles and impresses me every time. 


The hardest part of this process is remembering in the moment to stop and pray. But once you start doing it- your overwhelmed feelings can be turned into motivation for accomplishing what seems impossible at the time- through Christ who gives you strength.

Today as I count down to wedding #2, 

I pray for overwhelmed mommas and their overwhelmed moments.

Im not that girl anymore...WHEW

Ten years ago I came completely unhinged when people did stupid human things that humans do. I remember seeing someone cringe once when I came into the school to pick up my boys after they rolled off the bus in a fist-fight. 

Brothers.
In a fist -fight. 
With each other.

I was one really out of control momma. I am pretty sure that was my breaking point with myself.  Then came my breaking point with everything else. I am not sure what exactly happened, and I am sure I don't want to remember. I just know that I had met my limit with people, things and stuff in general. 

Then in one of my little cleaning rages ( I tend to do that when I get angry or frustrated), I found a note card with a scripture on it. "Be still" it said. "KNOW that I am GOD". I remember writing that on the card some years before when I was trying to be super-scripture girl-wanting to know the words, but truly never admitting that I didn't understand them at all.

Be still.
Be still.
Be still.

Those words haunted me for days, as I tried to "get back into a routine" with the cleaning, mothering and wife-ing , (is that a word?) . I just kept coming back to them. BE STILL screamed at me from every dirty sock, dirty dish and dirty floor. Never was our house in such great shape. CLEAN house, dirty soul. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating. I accidentally went four days without caffeine....and during that headache I let the everything that was inside me, holding me prisoner to myself, out.  I cried. I scrubbed. I cried. Then finally, I collapsed onto my bed and prayed.

WHAT?
Prayed?
Seriously, am I so dense that I had to collapse on my bed in hysterics to PRAY?! I really understood the straw that broke the camels back theory. and I never want to go there again. Growing hurts! I was very hurt. My heart ached for something that not even my husband could fill. My body hurt from all the scrubbing. My head hurt from over-thinking everything. 

Prayer hurt too. Something totally unexpected. And new- not in the warm fuzzy way. I was really quiet for a few weeks. Then I decided I liked me that way. Was the entire lesson for me to just shut up and listen for once? Because I really still don't know what I am listening for.
What I do know is this:
-God speaks in some loud ways, and some quiet ways.
-Prayer and meditation have changed me.
-I have everything I need, provided to me by the Father.
-I'm thankful I'm not that girl anymore.

Not being her doesn't mean perfection. And I have learned it doesn't mean other people have forgotten her. She is still very alive for some, and for some that is who I will always be. (That's quite unfortunate since I have changed so much and have so much more to offer than others may think.) I will not go into the many many things I have left behind with the girl I used to be. Lets just say I am very careful to continue on the path God has laid before me, using discernment, prayer, meditation, fellowship and compassion. Everything I make a decision about must be Biblically founded in this new journey of mine. How I discipline my children, love my husband and where my loyalty lies.  I worship a God who has undeniable power to change a life going nowhere good into something wonderful and inspiring to others. I worship a God who asks only that I love Him first and put everything about being human last. And when others aren't ok with that, it is OK. Because I am. 

From the perspective of someone who knows- If you have been judging someone from their past actions, behaviors or where they come from- remember- our God is   compassionate, forgiving and loving. People are human and able to change. I did. And those who see my change recognize that God has moved in me, as He moves in others. Be careful not to fall into the trap of judgement, assumptions and grudges. Its not a place to live. And forgiveness and redemption are meant to be for everyone. 

Praying for those unjustly accused and for their accusers- there are two sides to every story, and everyone should live as if they reside in a glass house. 

Call me Mrs. Cranky Pants

Hello.
I am Mrs Cranky Pants today...
Nice to meet you.

This is just a little taste of how I am feeling this week. I know I am a cranky pants. I have been avoiding the general population like they all have leprosy. I am not responding to texts, emails or phone calls. I am not indulging myself with amazing conversations with my husband or my girlfriends. I just do not care.

My head is in a place my heart dares not to go- ever. The self-doubting, depressed, can't- find- a- thing- to- wear, never- have- enough- money, just- really- want- this- cycle- of- emotion- to- end place. The place where I am screaming and screaming on the inside, and then after I am exhausted, I realize no one is listening. 

I'm pretty sure God himself may want earplugs.
I am so seriously overcooked this week.  

I have overdone it trying to be the best wife, mother, employee and friend. I have over obligated my heart and soul to things of this earth that I know I cannot keep up with. I haven't been meditating. I haven't been reading. I haven't been praying the way I normally pray.

 Going through the motions.

I have been sleeping half the night, having nightmares the other half. I have been doing half the laundry, half the dishes and forgetting to fill up the gas tank before I leave town for work.

I miss my husband, and I guess I need a vacation.

In Psalm 5:3, it says: "In the morning oh Lord, you hear my voice, In the morning I lay my request before you and wait in expectation."

This verse has been a life saver for me for quite some time. In the morning I love to get up early and sit with a cup of coffee  while I contemplate solving the worlds greatest mysteries and pray to God about all of the things I pray about.   I love to wash the dishes- the old fashioned way- and watch the morning come alive out of the kitchen window. I love to hear the first foot steps of whomever has awakened after me, and to hear the excitement of the dogs when they realize its time to get up. The morning provides so many fresh moments, that I hate to miss them because I am a cranky-pants.

My guess is if Jesus needed to refresh himself with times of prayer, fasting and meditation, then I probably should be following suite. I am also sure Jesus wouldn't blame himself for other peoples mistakes or antics, arriving at the conclusion that everything everyone says or does is not within my control, and even though I know it is hurtful, it is not my problem to fix. ( he even said "they know not what they do") I can only ask WWJD, and once that question is answered, figure out for myself what I need to focus on. 

Then maybe this extended stay of Mrs. Cranky Pants will come to a refreshing end.

Before I am forced to live in the barn with the chickens because of my bad attitude and distressed disposition. 

PRAYING for MYSELF and all of the other MRS CRANKY PANTS out there this week.

the woman at the well

I am the woman at the well. Its true. I am her. I know what you are thinking.

1-you have only been married once
2-you are still married to the first
3-your well is electric
4-how can you even compare your life with hers

Here are all the answers:
1- I have been married only once, to a fabulous man ( not perfect, but perfect for me). He takes care of me, our children and our family. He meets all of my needs, and sometimes can read my mind. he keeps me grounded and safe.

2-We have been married for almost 21 years, with no issues of infidelity or otherwise. We have an honesty policy, even if the truth hurts. We are in everything together or not at all, with God leading us all the way.

3-Its a good thing I don't have to carry water any further than the barn- I am a huge wimp and carrying heavy things long distances wears on me.

4-I cannot compare my physical life with hers- no comparison.
She had been married and remarried.
She was living in sin with a man who wasn't her husband.
She was not welcome at the well with the other women who were more "appropriate" than her.
There it is.
She didn't feel welcome.
Jesus took her to his heart anyway.
Found one.
She did not understand what living water meant when He said it to her.
There it is again.
Misunderstanding.
She was not "pure" or "clean"
There it is again-imperfection.
She was not included in the daily lives of the other women, because she was different.
I spend a lot of time alone, feeling rejected.
She was not looking for Him, because she didn't know yet how he could change her heart.
Seriously significant- eye opening realization of who Christ is.
She had to learn about redemption the hard way.
DING DING...we have a winner.
I have learned everything the hard way.
Thank God He provides a soft landing.

The woman at the well is a fascinating story to me every time I read it. She is such an amazing example of how we receive gifts we weren't looking for, when we think we are undeserving. It is also the greatest example of how not to be as a woman. Regardless of my differences with others, nothing I do should ever lead another woman to feel like she is less than I am. Christ see's us all the same, and so should I.



Am I not the woman at the well?
That Jesus himself would save me, because He sees me as I am, not as I used to be?
Am I not the woman at the well?
Given the chance at eternity, no matter what the cost to Him?
 Knowing my downfalls, my shortcomings, my everything?
Yet still He died for me, for her.
Because we are redeemed, I have nothing to fear.

*journal entry 7-7-13

Pray for yourself today- then pray for me.

In The Garden

In the garden I find time to make all of those life adjustments I need to make, right when I need to make them. I can weed out my frustrations and create something beautiful at the same time.  I love my gardens, whether it be the one for feeding or the one for beauty and enjoyment. 

I love feeling the earth beneath my feet and the soil in my hands as I work to create a masterpiece, all along understanding that it is with Gods perfect timing that the things I plant will grow, just like the seeds planted in me have taken their time to flourish. 

In the mean time, I pray consistently, and I now understand what it means to have a prayerful heart. It doesn't mean to be perfect, or to drop your every sin at a moments notice. What it does mean is that through real prayer comes real faith, and from real faith comes real change. Through these things, reading my bible and various other books, I have learned something in my heart that my head already knew. Jesus is as real as it gets, and when I behave like him, I am comforted in the knowledge that He accepts me where I am, in the middle of my growth and the middle of my life. 

It also means facing adversity when most do not, and opening yourself up to a variety of spiritual warfare like no other. I love my God, with my everything. I am without a doubt walking through a time in my personal growth where I see things exactly as they are, and some of it is frightening to me. But I stand firmly on the rock that is my salvation, and on the one truth- there will come a day when the only opinion of me that is going to matter is going to be His and His alone. 

The scary part of spiritual awakening for me is to see others in a new light, or reality, and to understand that unless someone gets to know your heart and the true "you", they will always see you as the person you were before, the person from the past. I can say with sincerity that I do not miss the girl I was, even 5 years ago. I do not miss her at all. My husband does not miss her, and my children do not miss her. I am certain my God does not miss her. She is a woman with no filter, no compassion and no spiritual connection. She was  a woman of empty words.  Sometimes I feel her creeping in, in a moment of weakness and I tell her to go, because there is no room in my heart for her anymore.

I feel sorry for those who still think I am her- for she is gone. I am me now- I am the Angie I have always wanted to be- I am a Christian first, a wife second and a mother third. I have good christian women who support and pray for me everyday, in spite of their circumstances. I have a husband who has been nothing but a support and source of love to me for over 20 years. I belong to a church that continues to grow and change, as churches sometimes do. I have faith that God will do exactly what I need, when I need it, because I am never alone- even if it is not what I ask for.

Even though sometimes I am made to feel like the woman at the well, I know that I should be proud to be her, on the receiving end of what Christ has to offer- living water and peaceful eternity.(more on this next time)

I hope you have enjoyed this post on my blog- I have enjoyed sharing it with you. I love to write, and I will continue to do so as long as you want to read. 

 Please remember to pray for yourself today, as you are important to God and to me.

TUESDAYS PRAYER

Have you ever been placed in a position where you were waiting for something good to happen,because only faith and waiting could make it so? Or maybe you are a "go-getter" and patience is a virtue you havent been lessoned on yet? Or maybe you are tired of "fighting the good fight" because inside you are so messed up you just want to sleep. Because when you sleep God offers you a bit of peace you do not experience when you are awake.

Im there. Beyond the breaking point, with finances, relationships, family, all of it. So where do I begin to re-construct my life, and how do I decide what to keep and what to dispose of? Is there a magical scripture that will point me the way? Being overwhelmed in the heart is really consuming on a mothers soul. It aches 24 hours a day. Wanting what is best, and knowing how to accomplish it- 2 totally different things.

I havent spent enough time in my garden. (my garden is real, where I go to the proverbial one) I need a good solid day, in the dirt, on my hands and knees,to weed things out. To cry or perhaps pray. Or maybe to just listen. What, O Lord , is it that you want for me? I know what you want from me, but I do not know what I am intended to DO. What do I do? I cannot falter - there are people depending on me. Husband, children., parents, friends. How do I know if I am to turn left or right? How do I know if I am to walk or run?
Please Lord. I need some instruction, guidance, help. I need something I can only get from you. Since I was a child, i have felt your hand upon my heart,never knowing quite what to do with it. Now my heart is heavy and burdened.
I need redemption.

I need you to pray....

A family I know that is dear to my heart..........

My friend Jenny hit a car head on yesterday.........she had all 3 of her girls in the car....and they were trapped for some time........

There are numerous broken bones on Jenny- ribs, both legs femur, facial bones.....

Her girls are at a different hospital, and 2 of them seem to be ok....one of them has a cracked skull and bleeding on the brain.......

My friend and her family need everyone sprayers today, so please feel free to link this post to yours so everyone can see it.....

I am praying and fasting all day......

Please pray for the Lairds and the Creamers......


Thank you