Today I accessed my student loan documents online for the first time.
Then I stood at the kitchen sink watching leaves blow in the wind , tears streaming down my face as I tried to figure out how on earth I am going to pay for the education that has landed me no job.
Its not like I didn't prayerfully go into my education- it was the most prayerful time in my life. I prayed for the debt, I prayed for the classes, the time and the impact it would have on my family. I swallowed the notion that my school would find me a job- hook,line and sinker. They found me a job- if I wanted to pack up my family and move to Iowa or Toledo. (neither of those options were working for me.)
So I stand in the window at the kitchen sink and let the tears fall quietly down my face. My husband never gets a break, Not ever. He works hard, continually, and the plan was for me to get my degree, and get a good job so he could take a day off now and then. Or ever. But so far, all I have had is a temporary part time job, where I spent more money on gas than I brought home, and even after hundreds of applications, I am still unemployed.
If God is answering my prayer through my joblessness, fine. But I still do not understand. Why did I go to school in the first place? Why did I seek out a degree in such a cool field in an agricultural state, when I didn't even know if I would land on my feet? Am I not young enough? Am I not skilled enough? Am I applying for jobs that are not a fit? I want to scream, but instead I pour another cup of coffee and I pray. I pray that God will just reveal something.
I finally feel a calm and peace about me- enough to stop my tears from streaming, and enough to allow me to finish my to-do list for today.(as if that list is ever done)
I am not sure of what the future holds for this student loan debt and I. However- one promise I am sure of is that there is always enough God. I won't be alone with my debt, I won't default on it, and I won't give up.
I know I am not the only person who is faced with this issue- and I also have the realization that "formal education" is not always necessary. In my case, some was, some wasn't. My associates is great- my bachelors I question everyday. I really need for some kind of reassurance, some kind of solid notion that I am going to be able to pay this debt and fulfill my obligation. Through my doubt I feel like I am wasting time worrying, because God always comes through. But I am human, and so I worry. And I obsess. And I pray. And thus the cycle continues.
Praying for debt and employment issues today.
Showing posts with label change life lessons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change life lessons. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Friday, July 22, 2011
Just...let...It...Go....*sigh*
You should never ask of someone else what you are not willing to do yourself.
Can I get this tattooed on my arm so I have to read it everyday, please?
I am really really good at telling my friends to let things go. You have to be careful which battles you pick, you could start a major war and not be able to stop it. Well, now I have gone and done it, because of my lack of discipline, I have started that war- inside myself.
I am normally known in different circles as a confident, self assured woman, who loves her husband fiercely and would do most anything to help someone out. I am in college full time, I always also hold a full time job, and I am a full time mother and wife. I have my moments when I feel like Wonder Woman, and I have my moments when I feel stretched so thin I just cry all day.
Lately I have been horrible at letting things go. I allow my feelings to be hurt at every turn, over things that mostly do not matter to anyone else. But they matter to me. Doesn't that validate my feeling in any way?
For example,
I have been a member of the same church family for over 30 years. I got married there, have raised my children there. I worked harder than anyone understands to get my associates degree, and it took me 3 years. When I finally graduated, my husband and children wanted to throw me a party to celebrate my accomplishment- they have been here for the entire ride and understand everything I have been through to get here. Not one person from my church showed, or even sent a card. No phone calls, no encouragement, no nothing. My grandmother didn't come. Most of my friends did not come. Hardly any of my family was there. (honestly it seemed as though it was a huge imposition on those who were there) Was it because it was just my associates? Or something more? The longer I thought about it, the more crushed I became. Why am I not important ?
I beat myself up over this for weeks.(still doing it)
Then I got laid off right after graduation.
So I have time to think about all the little things I should just be letting go.
I have all of this time to worry and wonder. I am sure it is not healthy, but honestly it has been eye opening, having time to think about some stuff, when before I'd have forgotten all about it because I just didn't have the time.
Now I sit for hours and wonder why my friend cancelled our plans- again.
And why I feel so disconnected at church.
And why members of my family do not understand that when they call, all I want is for them to ask me how we are, not to hear how bad someone else has it, that really doesn't have it so bad at all.
I worry about my kids not being super social, about their lives being ruined because I cannot afford everything for them that is extra right now.
I worry about my husband and all of the pressure he feels, and that I put on him.
Some days I think I could pray all day, but I talk myself out of it because it seems like my words aren't going any further than my bedroom walls.
It sounds like I'm crazy, and maybe I am (a little). But mostly I feel like people do not know me anymore, don't respect me at all. I feel like I am easy to take advantage of, because I do things for people when they ask. I give more of myself away than I keep for me, and I do not get a lot in return.
I do not want to lose myself during this time of craziness. What am I supposed to do about all of these thoughts that I keep obsessing over?
I guess I have to follow my own advice and just let it go.
Can I get this tattooed on my arm so I have to read it everyday, please?
I am really really good at telling my friends to let things go. You have to be careful which battles you pick, you could start a major war and not be able to stop it. Well, now I have gone and done it, because of my lack of discipline, I have started that war- inside myself.
I am normally known in different circles as a confident, self assured woman, who loves her husband fiercely and would do most anything to help someone out. I am in college full time, I always also hold a full time job, and I am a full time mother and wife. I have my moments when I feel like Wonder Woman, and I have my moments when I feel stretched so thin I just cry all day.
Lately I have been horrible at letting things go. I allow my feelings to be hurt at every turn, over things that mostly do not matter to anyone else. But they matter to me. Doesn't that validate my feeling in any way?
For example,
I have been a member of the same church family for over 30 years. I got married there, have raised my children there. I worked harder than anyone understands to get my associates degree, and it took me 3 years. When I finally graduated, my husband and children wanted to throw me a party to celebrate my accomplishment- they have been here for the entire ride and understand everything I have been through to get here. Not one person from my church showed, or even sent a card. No phone calls, no encouragement, no nothing. My grandmother didn't come. Most of my friends did not come. Hardly any of my family was there. (honestly it seemed as though it was a huge imposition on those who were there) Was it because it was just my associates? Or something more? The longer I thought about it, the more crushed I became. Why am I not important ?
I beat myself up over this for weeks.(still doing it)
Then I got laid off right after graduation.
So I have time to think about all the little things I should just be letting go.
I have all of this time to worry and wonder. I am sure it is not healthy, but honestly it has been eye opening, having time to think about some stuff, when before I'd have forgotten all about it because I just didn't have the time.
Now I sit for hours and wonder why my friend cancelled our plans- again.
And why I feel so disconnected at church.
And why members of my family do not understand that when they call, all I want is for them to ask me how we are, not to hear how bad someone else has it, that really doesn't have it so bad at all.
I worry about my kids not being super social, about their lives being ruined because I cannot afford everything for them that is extra right now.
I worry about my husband and all of the pressure he feels, and that I put on him.
Some days I think I could pray all day, but I talk myself out of it because it seems like my words aren't going any further than my bedroom walls.
It sounds like I'm crazy, and maybe I am (a little). But mostly I feel like people do not know me anymore, don't respect me at all. I feel like I am easy to take advantage of, because I do things for people when they ask. I give more of myself away than I keep for me, and I do not get a lot in return.
I do not want to lose myself during this time of craziness. What am I supposed to do about all of these thoughts that I keep obsessing over?
I guess I have to follow my own advice and just let it go.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Doing What It Takes
Doing what it takes.
Do the work.
Make the sacrifice.
These are the three things I keep playing over and over in my mind.
The first one comes from a page in my journal, when I was feeling less than worthy and having a really hard time as a mother, a wife, a parent and a friend.
The second one I read in a devotion I get each day in my inbox from Proverbs 31.
The last one I picked up reading the Bible one evening, and it seemed every single thing I turned to was about sacrifice, from the mother of Moses to Mary mother of Jesus. Each of the stories were about incredible sacrifice for loved ones, and I was amazed at where my reading took me.
Let me first say, I have not arrived where I am without great sacrifice from a lot of people. Going to school has not been easy on my children, and I know at least one of them resents me for it, and may never forgive me. My husband has taken on the role of single dad many weeks during the year, and my friends have had to deal with me being invisible. Seems the only person that has not made any sacrifices , has been me. Until now.
I work in a restaurant/bar in a small town and although I am grateful for having some kind of income, I am not happy about working there. I worry my employment will reflect on myself as a person, and I do not want people to know me from "the bar". The job isn't bad, its the atmosphere and all of the humble pie I 've had to eat over the last 3 weeks working there. The pay is not great. but boy am I humble....and aggravated.
I am registered at a new school to continue for my bachelors degree. therefore, no one wants to hire me becaue my "availability" is "bad" . GRRR.
So I return to the thought I had before.
Doing what it takes.
Do the work.
Make the sacrifice.
We have to pay the bills, stay afloat. How do I do it without the guilt of forcing yet another sacrifice on my family?
Somehow, with prayer, grace and a lot of hard work.
Will keep you posted. :)
Do the work.
Make the sacrifice.
These are the three things I keep playing over and over in my mind.
The first one comes from a page in my journal, when I was feeling less than worthy and having a really hard time as a mother, a wife, a parent and a friend.
The second one I read in a devotion I get each day in my inbox from Proverbs 31.
The last one I picked up reading the Bible one evening, and it seemed every single thing I turned to was about sacrifice, from the mother of Moses to Mary mother of Jesus. Each of the stories were about incredible sacrifice for loved ones, and I was amazed at where my reading took me.
Let me first say, I have not arrived where I am without great sacrifice from a lot of people. Going to school has not been easy on my children, and I know at least one of them resents me for it, and may never forgive me. My husband has taken on the role of single dad many weeks during the year, and my friends have had to deal with me being invisible. Seems the only person that has not made any sacrifices , has been me. Until now.
I work in a restaurant/bar in a small town and although I am grateful for having some kind of income, I am not happy about working there. I worry my employment will reflect on myself as a person, and I do not want people to know me from "the bar". The job isn't bad, its the atmosphere and all of the humble pie I 've had to eat over the last 3 weeks working there. The pay is not great. but boy am I humble....and aggravated.
I am registered at a new school to continue for my bachelors degree. therefore, no one wants to hire me becaue my "availability" is "bad" . GRRR.
So I return to the thought I had before.
Doing what it takes.
Do the work.
Make the sacrifice.
We have to pay the bills, stay afloat. How do I do it without the guilt of forcing yet another sacrifice on my family?
Somehow, with prayer, grace and a lot of hard work.
Will keep you posted. :)
Monday, June 8, 2009
GIVEAWAY WINNER...AND SOME REALLY DEPRESSING STUFF...
So after writing everyones name down and picking out of a hat ( shoulda used a chicken feeder...) I finally came up with a winner of the adorable chicken lamp! I have to say, I was really having a good time with this...until mr linky got all grumpy and I didnt quite get the response I was expecting....maybe its the lamp??? NAH !!
So Congrats to Tamis........may your husband be satisfied with a lamp....but somehow I think he is really gonna want those chickens....Its ok...I wanted mine and finally got them...I LOVE THEM! Sure they are smelly sometimes, but they are nice pets, and will produce eggs for myself and Ali and our families so...Im ok with it......And they aren't as noisy as I thought they'd be, please visit my blog and check out my CHICKEN JOURNALS.......there is only one so far, but they will be comng fast and furious now that they are in the barn....and maybe you will grow to appreciate them a bit, for your hubbys sake?!
Yes I said the chickies are in the barn......they are all locked up- we have a fox issue now ya know.....and cute as can be! They even ROOST on a tiny roost Mackenzie made for them...its soo cute! They have even been seen scratching and pecking a bit...and trying out their wings.....really cute.....
I just want to share some emotional baggage I have apparantly been carrying around for a long time and didnt know it- until I realized how easily angered I am these days. I actually threw a Dr Pepper 2 liter across the yard yesterday because it exploded for no good reason all over my kitchen- sticky mess! I think I recall saying words I havent said in a LONG TIME also. Scared myself half silly thinking about it later. I ended up crying in my bedroom, folding a mountain of laundry, wondering if even God himself could hear my hurt....It was awful. I noticed later that not one person came to check on me- I must've made quite an impression. My hubby says as long as he knows where I am and he can hear me cry, he knows its going to be ok, and I just need time.
Well, I took my time and screamed on the inside, as I sobbed, asking why to a whole lot of questions. Like why is it so hard for me to get everything done? Why is it that my kids are disrespectful? Why do I never seem to have enough $$, no matter how hard I try to be soo frugal? Why am I so nervous about working from home all summer while the kids are out of school? Why do I feel alone so much, when I am always surrounded by soo many? Why do I have trouble keeping my anger in check, especially when it comes to the way others treat my children? I look at this as some kind of test - I know God never gives you anything you cant handle, but Im feeling like its ENOUGH ALREADY!!!
I even yelled at a cat this weekend. A cat. Who could care less about anything. I think I yelled at the washer too. ( i need more help than i realized) LOL
Is it depression I wonder? My dr says so....she thinks I need "something" to take the edge off.... Is this common? Im desperatly wanting to know because I want to be ok, and normal again...if there is such a thing. I havent been really happy for quite a long time, and its is lonely at the top. I say top because I am so hi strung now that Im having a hard time comin down.....Maybe I need a real VGNO...lol Or something.
Is anybody out there? at all? argh.
So Congrats to Tamis........may your husband be satisfied with a lamp....but somehow I think he is really gonna want those chickens....Its ok...I wanted mine and finally got them...I LOVE THEM! Sure they are smelly sometimes, but they are nice pets, and will produce eggs for myself and Ali and our families so...Im ok with it......And they aren't as noisy as I thought they'd be, please visit my blog and check out my CHICKEN JOURNALS.......there is only one so far, but they will be comng fast and furious now that they are in the barn....and maybe you will grow to appreciate them a bit, for your hubbys sake?!
Yes I said the chickies are in the barn......they are all locked up- we have a fox issue now ya know.....and cute as can be! They even ROOST on a tiny roost Mackenzie made for them...its soo cute! They have even been seen scratching and pecking a bit...and trying out their wings.....really cute.....
I just want to share some emotional baggage I have apparantly been carrying around for a long time and didnt know it- until I realized how easily angered I am these days. I actually threw a Dr Pepper 2 liter across the yard yesterday because it exploded for no good reason all over my kitchen- sticky mess! I think I recall saying words I havent said in a LONG TIME also. Scared myself half silly thinking about it later. I ended up crying in my bedroom, folding a mountain of laundry, wondering if even God himself could hear my hurt....It was awful. I noticed later that not one person came to check on me- I must've made quite an impression. My hubby says as long as he knows where I am and he can hear me cry, he knows its going to be ok, and I just need time.
Well, I took my time and screamed on the inside, as I sobbed, asking why to a whole lot of questions. Like why is it so hard for me to get everything done? Why is it that my kids are disrespectful? Why do I never seem to have enough $$, no matter how hard I try to be soo frugal? Why am I so nervous about working from home all summer while the kids are out of school? Why do I feel alone so much, when I am always surrounded by soo many? Why do I have trouble keeping my anger in check, especially when it comes to the way others treat my children? I look at this as some kind of test - I know God never gives you anything you cant handle, but Im feeling like its ENOUGH ALREADY!!!
I even yelled at a cat this weekend. A cat. Who could care less about anything. I think I yelled at the washer too. ( i need more help than i realized) LOL
Is it depression I wonder? My dr says so....she thinks I need "something" to take the edge off.... Is this common? Im desperatly wanting to know because I want to be ok, and normal again...if there is such a thing. I havent been really happy for quite a long time, and its is lonely at the top. I say top because I am so hi strung now that Im having a hard time comin down.....Maybe I need a real VGNO...lol Or something.
Is anybody out there? at all? argh.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Monday Morning Blues....
I woke up this morning and made a few resolutions- which I do not do on New Years because its really just setting myself up for more dissappointment- so this morning I made a few- Here they are:
1- I am going to get myself on a schedule so I can juggle my blog, my work- which I do from home- and my family better.
2- Im going to stop drinking pop everyday- I drink diet coke a lot and I need to drink more water..
3- Im going to make a chore chart again - no one seems to remember their chore thy've had - for 5 years....
4-Im going back to full menu planning- it saves me more time and money, and meshes well with my #1
5- Im going to stop procratinating about everything I do...
6- Im putting this off til later- ( ha just kidding- see #5)
7- Im going to tell each person in my house I love them everymorning and everyevening-.
8-Im going to walk the dogs more-we all need the excersize.....
Some of these changes are due to recent happenings that are driving me crazy- and some of them I couldnt post cause they arent realistic- like sending the 10 and 11 yearolds to bed- as soon as they get their homework done after school....HE HE just a thought- havent done it yet- but I have considerd it...
Soem of them are becaseu I am a person who needs constant change in my life to keep me hopping- I have dreams, and goals and things I want to do, and It seems I have hit a RUT.....so Im looking for a way out.....Anyone want to join me?
HAPPY MONDAY!!!!!!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
todya is the first day....LOL
Today could be the first day of the rest of your life....of course, that is more true that most of us care to admit. I have had a few of "those" days recently, and let me tell you, knowing this little bit of truth has helped me get through it all. My child has a very bad break in his arm, and I have been home with him for an entire week...getting domestic doesn't come so easy when your life has been so busy for so long that you have forgotten how! I hadn't realized how much "stuff" my husband and kids have to do, that I should be taking care of! Don't get me wrong- I know the kids have to learn responsibility , basic chores, and discipline. They are practically able to take care of most things without my help- which is a topoic for a whole other day! ANyway- being off for a week has given me perspective I desperately needed- and although I am a little afraid- (terrified) I am also grateful for God's presence in my time of lonesomeness and heartache. I have a terrific husband, and 4 fab kids- but I need God more than anyone else- I have a lot of changes I am going through, and they are all things I need to have God decide. My work situation has changed, and although it didnt have to, I have chosen to take the chance and work from a home office- crammed in my dining room. I am praying this works for me, because in my line of work it is a huge jump of faith. I guess when I go I go big- no leaping, just jumpping...LOL There are some who will never understand my choice, but I needed to do this for me and I am good with it.
I am hoping this gives me the chance to re-discover who I am and what my purpose here is.....I want to be the person God was leading me to be years ago when I started this adventure. I know JOhn is under some pressure because I have had such a roller-coaster ride for the last few weeks, but Im hoping to reclaim part of myself that will help him becom e who he wants to be as well..... I guess time will tell, and I in the meantime will pray. And of course you are all welcome to pray for me as well....I will appreciate it so much!
I am hoping this gives me the chance to re-discover who I am and what my purpose here is.....I want to be the person God was leading me to be years ago when I started this adventure. I know JOhn is under some pressure because I have had such a roller-coaster ride for the last few weeks, but Im hoping to reclaim part of myself that will help him becom e who he wants to be as well..... I guess time will tell, and I in the meantime will pray. And of course you are all welcome to pray for me as well....I will appreciate it so much!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
