Monday, May 18, 2015

The Jekyll/Hyde within me

There is no amount of coffee that can handle a Monday like today.

Today, my dad starts chemotherapy and radiation, and it terrifies me. Every single horrible and worst case scenario that can run through my head has already done so, consistently over the past two weeks. I am so consumed with his situation that I am not functioning as a normal person anymore.

I just don't care about much else. 

For the first time in years I blew my top- at a co-worker, in front of customers and other employees. I picked a fight with my husband. I told the girl at McDonald's not to call me "sweetie"- ever again. I slept part of the night on the couch, and I didn't get up when my boys did this morning. 

Wow Mr. Hyde.

Those are going to be some consequences, but I'm all, press on & keep swimming- (says that stupid little fish).

Is there anyone else I need to alienate, hurt, call out or pick a fight with? Poor undeserving people. I am better serving everyone if I just sit here alone and get this out of my head. So I shall try.

The Dr. Jekyll in me would like to have dropped to my knees and prayed the second I found out my dad was sick. Just grabbed his hand, moms hand and gone straight to my redeemer. My aunt would have thought I was crazy- my uncle would have poured me some coffee. Over the past two weeks it has been a blur of appointments and tests. I have spent more time with my brother in the past two weeks than in the past year. (weird since we live 2 miles apart)

Cancer is the devil.

But I am going to choose to use it as a tool. I know what you are thinking. I AM crazy, and that is OK. I will just validate it for you right now. Stick with me here- this is what I am thinking. If this is what it takes for God to get my attention then He has it Fully and Completely. If this is the path our family will take, then we will not take it alone. 

I do not write this for pity, I write it in hopes that my frustration in my inability to do anything at all to fix this disease for my dad will give some peace to someone else who is feeling helpless. It really does stink that there is suffering in this world, unexplained to those of us who just do not understand. Yet, I also know there is a time for everything, a season for all of us. The human body was created to be imperfect. It cannot last forever. Stuff goes wrong, and although it is a test of my faith sometimes, I know God has a plan as always.

OK Mr Hyde- time for an appearance- I am angry, irritated and confused at the stupid things people say.  I have heard a few cliche things that should be stricken from all vocabulary to the extent that sometimes I feel a replay of the tower of babble would be timely.  Got something to say about this that is just empathetic? -BAM- you now speak Spanish. Want to tell me how sorry you are? BAM Chinese for you. How about the empty promise of " Call me if you need anything?" BAM get a new language no one has heard yet.  Sounds pretty crappy, I know. Blame Mr. Hyde. He is out of control.

In the coming weeks I have to learn to deal with the exhaustion of my momma, who by all rights is already exhausted. I have to work out my work schedule so I can be an asset to her. ( with a manager I already upset this weekend...)  I need to be super patient with my kids who irritate me with their nonsense when I am emotional, I have to be focused when I am writing so I don't drive all of you away. I need to be a source of strength for my dad when he feels weak, and in constant prayer with my husband so we can lift everyone each day for as long as it takes.  I need to be bathed in prayer, understanding and compassion like never before.  I would like to say I can suppress Mr Hyde from popping out anytime in the near future. However, I know better than to make a promise I am not sure I can keep.

I will leave you with this- this life is for real. I am for real. Just when your pants get comfortable something comes along and bunches them all up again. Just when you feel you are understanding something, something else you cannot fathom comes along. Just when you feel you have everything under control, God sends a simple reminder that you are never in control- that is what He is for. 

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