My heart dropped clear into my stomach, then I am almost certain I heard it hit the floor.
"Sure you can take my car...." I heard myself say to my son.
Sixteen years old and within two weeks of a serious car accident, caused by himself.
What on earth was I thinking?
I can tell you what I was thinking-" How about I just drive you tonight?"
My heart was screaming- "How could you let him go?"
I was certain I was about to be sick. The parents worst nightmare- letting them go.
In any capacity, letting them go is the most heart-wrenching and stomach turning decision to make. In all of my anxiety, I am sitting on the loveseat, by the window, flashing back to every parenting mistake I have made with all four of my children. From a child getting injured to a child being pressured , I have made my share of parenting mistakes. And sometimes I could have stopped them- had I listened to my "gut instinct"
I am still waiting for him to return home, reminding myself that while I believe the Holy Spirit guides my instinct, I alone have the choice over the decisions I make as a parent or otherwise. I also have the choice over reliving my mistakes as a parent. My son is a good driver- he is just young. He is always going to be learning, and I am always going to be anxious about it. But I know God has His hand on him the entire time he is in the car or otherwise. I remind myself even though there is worry and anxiety involved in parenting, there is also Grace.
Grace given for a momma who so desperately wants to hear the car in the driveway. Grace for a son who may be just as scared to drive, and even more afraid to admit it. Grace for the moment when I know I must let him go, just like his brother and sister before him, and the same as the brother coming behind.
My heart flutters heavy as I hear the hum of the engine and see the flash of the lights. I have said this prayer over and over and I keep it next to my heart:
"Lord, he is not mine, but yours. Thank you for the time I have been given with him. Thank you for his smile and his humor, and I pray I get another day."
I ask for calm, patience and trust as I continue to let them go.