Over the past few weeks, I have been doing a lot of reflecting.
Lets face it, there has been a lot to reflect about.
The Two oldest children got married.
The youngest one entered High School.
The third one got his drivers license.
The granddaughter said "Mimi".
There has been an overload of in laws.
I got laid off.
Things have been pretty stressful.
So, when things are like this, I reflect. Sometimes until I want to scream. I ask crazy questions, and then try to answer them. Some weird things have happened too, and they send me over the edge, so to speak. Like screaming all the way down. (I'm still waiting to hit the bottom)
This is what I have come up with.
1- When "good" friends moved away, I found out how good of friends they really were. Like when they came back to town frequently and I don't even know it.(thank you social media) Then I run into them and they act shocked and hurt that they didn't know my children were getting married that weekend. (among other personal life things close friends would have a clue about if they were indeed as close as they made themselves out to be.)
2-There are some relationships I've worry about my entire married life, then I realized in one clarifying moment that I just do not care anymore. My marriage, my relationships with my husband, my children, my parents, my family, should not matter to other people. ( And their opinion of me should not impact their relationships with my husband and children either.)
3-I am maybe not meant to work a full time job with great income and great co-workers. I have applied everywhere. My degree is a piece of paper that cost me a lot of money, that looks pretty on my wall.(personally would like to throw darts at it)
4-People in my direct circle do not take me seriously when it comes to my expertise. Therefore, they consult other people with my expertise because those people are more likely to know the facts and I am not. (P.S. I know a few things, but I guess I will keep them to myself)
5-My walk with Christ is personal and sometimes when I sing, pray or worship I get full and I cry...That is just how I am wired. I am not the same person I was before my spiritual revolution, and some people do not know the new me. Sometimes people make assumptions based on things they have heard, instead of things they have found to be true for themselves. It makes me sad, because these very people should know better. And if they do not know better, then they do not trust in the word of God to be true. Redemption is real. Forgiveness is real. Change is real. I know, I have experienced them all.
Should I feel so frustrated for so many reasons? I think so. I am human after all. It gives me something to pray about, learn about, study. Provides me a place to grow. I like growing. It hurts, but its good.
I find in my reflecting, I am letting things go. Letting people go, and their judgement and false perceptions of me.
I do not need "friends" who are fair-weather- I need commitment.
I need prayerful friends who have a common goal- heaven.
I need in-laws who love and respect my husband in spite of his wife.
I need someone to take a chance on me and give me a job I can be worthy of.
I need people I trust to trust me with my expertise.
I need for the people who judge me to feel accountable for their own shortcomings first and understand I am redeemed by Christ- I'm not looking for redemption by any man.
Praying my attitude improves, and my reflections on all of these things is helpful for the future.