Today I accessed my student loan documents online for the first time.
Then I stood at the kitchen sink watching leaves blow in the wind , tears streaming down my face as I tried to figure out how on earth I am going to pay for the education that has landed me no job.
Its not like I didn't prayerfully go into my education- it was the most prayerful time in my life. I prayed for the debt, I prayed for the classes, the time and the impact it would have on my family. I swallowed the notion that my school would find me a job- hook,line and sinker. They found me a job- if I wanted to pack up my family and move to Iowa or Toledo. (neither of those options were working for me.)
So I stand in the window at the kitchen sink and let the tears fall quietly down my face. My husband never gets a break, Not ever. He works hard, continually, and the plan was for me to get my degree, and get a good job so he could take a day off now and then. Or ever. But so far, all I have had is a temporary part time job, where I spent more money on gas than I brought home, and even after hundreds of applications, I am still unemployed.
If God is answering my prayer through my joblessness, fine. But I still do not understand. Why did I go to school in the first place? Why did I seek out a degree in such a cool field in an agricultural state, when I didn't even know if I would land on my feet? Am I not young enough? Am I not skilled enough? Am I applying for jobs that are not a fit? I want to scream, but instead I pour another cup of coffee and I pray. I pray that God will just reveal something.
I finally feel a calm and peace about me- enough to stop my tears from streaming, and enough to allow me to finish my to-do list for today.(as if that list is ever done)
I am not sure of what the future holds for this student loan debt and I. However- one promise I am sure of is that there is always enough God. I won't be alone with my debt, I won't default on it, and I won't give up.
I know I am not the only person who is faced with this issue- and I also have the realization that "formal education" is not always necessary. In my case, some was, some wasn't. My associates is great- my bachelors I question everyday. I really need for some kind of reassurance, some kind of solid notion that I am going to be able to pay this debt and fulfill my obligation. Through my doubt I feel like I am wasting time worrying, because God always comes through. But I am human, and so I worry. And I obsess. And I pray. And thus the cycle continues.
Praying for debt and employment issues today.